December 14th 2006
After nearly three and a half years, my relationship with Rachel has ended. It's also ended nearly two years of my life in Melbourne.
Relationships, especially three and a half year relationships, in my view, are all about honesty, patience, commitment and compromise, and I'm sad to say that I've not being seeing very much of that of late. What pains me is that I have been very patient, waiting up till the early hours of the morning for shifts to finish, I've never been dishonest in my life, never looked twice at another woman in any relationship I've ever been in, and as for the compromise? Well I think leaving everything behind in England to make a new life for Rachel and myself on the other side of the planet says all that needs saying about compromise.
With lack of any indication, I was always under the impression that this was just a bad patch, that due to Rachel's recent increased work schedule from a few key people leaving her kitchen, and it being around the busy Christmas period, that the lack of time spent working on our friendship and relationship would pass with the coming of the new year, and maybe a few more staff being employed and taking some load off, that things would start getting better when we started spending, even a little time together.
How wrong was I.
Looking back on it now, for the past three or four months I've been the passive witness to our relationship drifting further and further apart, and for what I can see, I couldn't of done anything about it, because quite simply, I've hardly seen Rachel at all over that period, and she's made no effort to spend time with me. As I said before, with a lack of anything being said about her feelings toward me, I thought that this was just part of the efforts she was putting into her job. She's been getting home later and later, and more and more drunk each time on the free drink they get served at her work. Now there's nothing wrong with a wind down drink after work, but she's spent no time at all working on us, in favour of her after work drinks and as a result she's changed. It's no wonder that things fell apart.
Black Sunday was when the whole reality of what was really going on came crashing down on me, when I was told that she wanted to break up and she didn't want to at least give it one shot at trying to make it work. What I still don't understand is that after three and a half years she was unprepared to at least give one try? Its clear that I have EVERYTHING to lose here and that I would want to give it at least one try, but what really gets to me is that she never mentioned anything about this sooner. Why leave it right up until the morning when you cant take it anymore to say anything, by which time its too late to do anything about it. Especially at this time of the year. It makes no sense me at all.
I guess it doesn't make any sense to me, because I was always willing to make sacrifices in my life to work at what we had, waiting for her to get home on a Friday and Saturday evening at midnight, not going out myself so that we could spend a few minutes together before she fell asleep, only for her to wake up a few hours later and disappear for another double shift. Not complaining when the time she got home got later, having a few more drinks at work before coming home...drunk. What could I have done when she was never there?
I found it hard to see last week through the tears, but I see what's happened now. I've been giving her, what I thought was room for her to give her choice of career her best shot, and in return she has completely neglected our relationship and I've been taken for a ride.
I really feel that she has made the wrong decision here, and that with more honesty about how she was feeling, and a commitment to spend a few choice weekends together and coming home when she actually finished work a few nights a week would of put things right and we would have been great together. But she's made her decision, and the damage has been done. And because of what she's done, what she is now clearly capable of doing to me after all that I've given, and the complete lack of compromise she's shown me, I realise now that I'm better off with out her. I've done nothing wrong, and anything that I may have done wrong I was willing to work at to make things good again. I deserve someone who will treat me with the respect I give them.
I couldn't possibly have been dealt a worse a hand through this, for all that I've put into the relationship over the years, all of the sacrifices that I've made to be over here with her and to make a good life for us, staying at work all night to earn some extra coin because the alternative was going home to an empty house with no girlfriend as Rachel was working all the time, what do I get in return? Someone who neglects me, doesn't work at the relationship, and drifts off.
What hurts now more than the relationship breakdown, because I can see now that I'm better off without her, is that I have to leave the life I have worked so very very hard at behind. I came here with nothing but Rachel, no friends at all, none, even my work experience and skill set was low. And now I'm surrounded with the best set of friends and colleagues I could possibly ever hope for, truly I am. I've worked harder in Melbourne than ever before in my life and achieved more than I ever have. I'm now a qualified Microsoft professional, I've got a solid years worth of corporate development under my belt and I had another qualification up my sleeve to work on over Christmas and the new year. I've got a fantastic job offer lined up that I was going to start in February after some time off to read and study, and Rachel and I were going to move to Richmond to a bigger, nicer place. Life was moving in the right direction, the pages were turning over nicely and things, I thought, were unfolding the way we both wanted them to.
This is my life, this is where I live, these are my friends, this is my career. That was my girlfriend.
And now it's all gone.
And I now have to start it all over again, somewhere new.
I'm not sure of where I am going to go at the moment, it's still too early to make that decision, it's not even been two weeks since I though things weren't going all that bad in our relationship and that things would get better...if she tried. And I leave the country on the 18th. Some time at home with the family over Christmas is exactly what I need right now, I need to clear my head of all this anger towards what's happened to me so that I can start thinking again with enough clarity to make some big decisions that will span the next few years. Something I'm not going to take lightly or rush over.
As for this web site, well it was the Chris Browne Australian story, and its severed me very well, but as with everything in life, nothing lasts, and so this is the penultimate post, after this Frog Dreaming will be no more. I'm going to leave it here, in a static form, so that I can flick back through the pages of the last few years.
But as William Blake said nothing is lost. And he's right, it's time now for me to move on, to find some new adventures and new mountains to climb. Only this time I'll be starting the climb on my own.
Peace and love.
December 5th 2006
This Sunday just gone will go down in my history as the worst day of my life so far.
November 24th 2006
The summer is very defiantly on its way, the days are getting damn hot, I'm beginning to even feel the sun's burn when I go walking round the park on my lunch breaks to get out of the stale office I'm working in.
Its defiantly on its way.
And so, with the coming of the nice weather also comes all the parties and the next one on the list is Earthcore...this weekend! This week I've been out and about talking with various people about it, making and breaking plans, and I'm getting really excited about it now...and now only a day away :)
This means that I've been out every night this week drinking, and am feeling the drain of the alcohol abuse I've been giving myself, but its all in preparation for this weekend. I've got Monday off work so ease my way back to the real world so all is good.
Keep an eye out for the photos and video.
October 31th 2006
So Dave left on Sunday, only just making it to the hire car place by the sounds of it, after we both went to a Halloween house party on Saturday night and things got a little messy.
I've been at work this entire weekend (I've actually done 76.75 hours this week - a very tiring record for me), so when I was walking home with the sun well up in the sky on Sunday morning I was wondering to myself how in hell I was going to make it to work on time. Well Dave didn't have work so stayed there and very nearly didn't make his 4pm hire car pickup appointment.
I only just made it to work around lunch.
Dave, it was damn good to see you man, and we had some memorable times, just as always. Say hello to every one back home for me, and hopefully its not going to be as long until the next time our paths cross, although I'm fairly sure it will be :) At least this time the memory of the last time we saw each other wont be scared with me face down, hurling in the gutter outside Fabric! No, this time it would be you screaming past our place to pick up your shit and give me back my shoes!
Take it easy Dave, safe travels man.
October 29th 2006
"You should expect and plan for growth."
Rockford Lhotka.
October 23rd 2006
It's been just over a week since I got back from Phonoscope, and still the sounds of Landmark crashing down on the dance floor at ten in the morning are still reverberating around inside of me. The video I've got up on You Tube of the break just doesn't give it justice, and not because it was recorded on my cheap arse Cannon Ixus I camera, but because You Tube decided that the last few seconds were not worthy of encoding, so actual break is cut off and you cant hear everyone start screaming. I would of recorded more but it was far too god to be standing there filming it.
The night time was very very interesting. I got rather wasted and have hazy memories of drifting between the dance floor and the car to get ever more beer. I can piece the whole evening together, but on the details of it all, I have nothing more than a few blurry, out of focus shots to remind me. Never mind, that's probably how I was seeing things at the time ;) I did wish I recorded more video on my camera of the evening bit though, especially the bit where I remember the aliens landing. All that darkness, flashing lights and pounding psytrance can certainly play havoc with your mind!
But in the end, all I was really there for was Vibrasphere. The whole weekends party was awesome, every little bit of it, but Vibrasphere was the reason I was there and I've been looking forward to it ever since I got an email from Rickard telling me they were coming to Melbourne, and that was back in July! Man I've been pumped for a while!
And the wait was well worth it. I missed seeing them play at the EQ Warehouse in hackney back in 2003, when I foolishly went to the Mansion Party instead...Jon, if you're reading this, no offense mate, but Vibrasphere playing live in the EQ Warehouse would have kicked arse! So there was no way I was going to miss seeing them play this time.
I hired a car and me, Dave and Andy went down Saturday arvo, following Damion and Maddie. Got there set things up and started drinking. At seven in the morning I remember seeing Kim back at the camp and remember yelling out to her 'get your arse down there...this is WHY we are here!'
Well it was why I was there anyway, and I loved every groovy, dusty minute of it, especially Landmark :) I also really enjoyed the Vibrasphere remix of Fresh by Lish, which I'm told is out in November...go get it, its fantastic.
The whole following week (last week) and this weekend I've been feeling on top of the world, I've had this bounce in my step and a clearness in my head that I've not had for a while, and I put it down to the first party of the season. I've been in hibernation all winter, as have most, and now the days are heating up and the weekends getting longer I'm looking forward to a whole summer's worth of fun and shenanigans.
Check out the photos, and the videos.
October 12th 2006
The temperature hit a high of 36C today, and its still only spring!
The air conditioning in our building broke down yesterday, which was also another stinking hot day, and as a result of it has put more stress on the lift mechanisms and put out most of the lifts! I'm glad to see its not just England that isn't 100% prepared for changes in weather.
One thing that amazes me is the hot wind, stepping out of the building to go for the daily walk around Fawkner park to get out of the office and eat our lunch, was like walking in to a fan assisted oven. First of all you walked into the wall of heat, next the wind caught you and it was like having a hair dryer pointed in your face!
And this is still only spring! I'm trying to imagine back to last summer and remember what the weather was like, I'm sure I wasn't thinking, 'blimey if this is still spring, what the hell is summer going to be like', but that's exactly what I'm thinking right now. I'm back at home now, and its still boiling hot.
I'm hoping the weather will hold out for this weekend because me, Dave and Andy are off to see Vibrasphere! I'm really looking forward to this, and I really think that it, just behind Rainbow Serpent, will be the second greatest thing that I would of done music wise this year. Of course Earthcore hasn't happened yet, but I'm sure the music will be better this weekend, Earthcore's line up doesn't send shivers down my spine, like the thought of a Vibrasphere morning set does.
I'm even going to take the inlay to Archipelago along with a marker, boy band and school girl style. Hey I missed out on seeing them play at the EQ Warehouse in Hackney in October 2003, and this will be the last chance for a very long time, so I'm allowed to get a little excited about it :)
September 21st 2006
I've been getting emails for the past 6 months or so from my ISP informing me of the Telstra whole sale ADSL price hikes, and the unfortunate fact that it must be passed down to me, the poor old customer.
I was moved away from my 1.5Mb, 20Gb per month plan quite a few months ago, and put on the 1.5Mb, 10Gb plan. This wasn't all that bad actually as after 8 months of downloading all kinds of complete rubbish from the net it brings you to the door step of the harsh reality that there really is a lot of very very poor quality material, not just on the net (and there's a lot of that) but every where. How a lot of today's broadcasted publications make it on air is really beyond me.
So quite frankly the drop in the download quota each month went completely unnoticed in this household.
I got another one of these emails about a month ago, but this time my monthly quota wasn't being slashed once again, this time it was the end of the high end ADSL plans all together. It seams that Telstra have raised the prices once again, and this time my ISP is phasing all of them out, in favour of the ADSL 2+ plans they have. I'm assuming that the ADSL 2+ technology enables many more people to share the one line than ADSL did, and hence Telstra can rake in more money as a result of squeezing more people through it (note to self, a Telstra boss squeezing loads of people through a small pipe wringing out money from their pockets, would make a great Viz cartoon). But then again, I am turning thirty next year, so maybe I'm just growing more cynical in my growing age...
Good news is that I've not been charged a cent (sorry, a penny) for both these migrations, the last of which has just occurred, and the even better news is that I'm now surffin' the crest of the internet wave at the quite horrendous speed of 24Mb and with the colossal download quota of 30MB per month.
But really, what does this mean? It means that I'll most probably be leaving my computer on for the next few days, downloading once again, all kinds of complete rubbish, but at least this time it should take one sixteenth of the time to do it.
But what does that really mean? It means that I'll be downloading sixteen times the amount of complete rubbish and deleting it as soon as I re-confirm the sub-standard quality of it all, and re-affirm my disgust in all things 'reality'.
September 20th 2006
"We live in a necular-powered universe. We're the oddballs by getting energy from burning carbon"
James Lovelock
September 20th 2006
Woke up this morning at about seven thirty, put my shorts, trainers and a t-shirt on and headed straight down to Como park and did a lap.
Its part of my on going fitness routine, and I'm hoping to do the Como run a few times a week, before and/or after work. That on top of the cycling to work, and now that I know that there is a bike track round Albert Park lake which is about 7km or so, which I'm planning to do on the way home, I will get there before the summer :)
I was totally knackered when I'd finished this morning, illustrating just how unfit I am, and driving my urge to get fitter even more. I haven't been this unfit since I was at Uni ten years ago, and its not going to last much longer.
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November 13th 2006
Hey Chris, hope you two are well. Just thought I'd pop by and say something.. it's been a while.. Had a dream last night that you had a Doberman called Maxwell. BTW: Rich told me that your bro had fallen down some steps and hurt his head.. hope he's alright now.
October 3rd 2006
It's very interesting site!
August 6th 2006
How about having a section where ur mates and family can upload photos...oh that wud be nice eh? :) u can see me drinking lemonade in the SU hahaha
July 27th 2006
like i posted on one of the pictures, steve gave me this link and blah blah blah the usual its 3.15am at the moment, i cant get to sleep but what i can say is steve is absolutley fucked talking to me on msn so i hope you understand agree with the stop driving/stop drinking comment..... lol
quite a cool bunch of photos! (and yes hes talking about you constantly at the moment...hope you feel blessed lol) JPx
July 22nd 2006
HIII Chris hope you are well and fine, myy website www.countryfreshness.com
and guess what, mushroom magazine wants to use one of my pics!"!
July 4th 2006
Happy birthday for 29th, only realised after reading Jo Bing's post. Can't wait to come see you guys! Big up the London Crew!!
June 30th 2006
Hey, happy birthday for yesterday, tried to phone-left a message. Contact me boy, Stu and i r leaving for Oz in 10 days and wanna meet up with you both-we leave melbourne on 11th Aug so couple of days before that to meet would be fab. Phone me, love Jx x
June 28th 2006
Happy Birthday Mr B. Hope you're well, say ello to Rach and Mark for me.
June 28th 2006
Happy Birthday !! Hope all is good with you and Rach, Love Kim & Kev x
February 12th 2006
Oh, and just to go one better than Pete - I had a dream that I came over to see you - for 3 days! Well, actually 2, and I spent a day in Sydney!
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